I remember our infertility journey. Each year on Mother’s day, I’d secretly plot how to skip church. I didn’t want to hear about mothers, because I so wanted to be a mom, and then I was….
Fast forward. In the last couple of years, I’ve again secretly plotted how to skip church. After losing my Mom to her cancer battle, I didn’t want to spend the day being reminded of what I’ve lost. To be honest, I didn’t used to get it. I wondered why people couldn’t just “get over it.” That was then… This is now.
I wish I could say I am past that. I wish I could say, I’m all better, and I’m not shedding tears tonight in anticipation. I can’t. There’s a hole in my heart… A Mom sized hole
Sometimes, we have a Mom sized hole in our heart. It’s easy to get stuck at the size of the hole. But, sometimes life is about #perspective.
You see, the size of the hole; it matches the size of the love. While I miss my Mom, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, I’m also continually reminded that so many don’t have the privilege of having so many positive memories of their Mom! As I walk next to people daily, I’m stunned at the number of individuals who didn’t grow up with a Mom that loved and cared for them.
I any given week, I can’t tell you the number of times that I doubt how good of a “Mom” I am. Satan whispers lies and insecurities at me. And, even thought I know better, I listen. Why do I yell so much, Why do I have so little patience, Why do I not sound that “nice” when I talk to my kids, and on and on… Typing it now, I know it is a lie from the enemy. But in the midst of being “Mom”, it is easy to hear that voice and question myself.
Tonight, I’m reflecting. And this “Mom” sized hole, well, I’m putting it into perspective. God is able. He’s able to fix the Mom sized hole in my heart. And in yours.
As I prayed tonight, here’s what God showed me…
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully even as I am fully known. 1. Cor. 13:12
Because I see only in part, it’s easy to focus on the hole left by her loss. But he’s reminding me, when I know in full, I’ll celebrate by the things that hole has taught me. The things I’ve learned about love and parenting, and overcoming.
I may not get to see Mom’s smile this side of heaven. But, a part of her is in me. When I add that to being created in Christ’s image, it’s a bit overwhelming. I get her good, her bad, and her ugly.
Tonight as I look forward to tomorrow and Mother’s day, I’m humbled by the chance I get to be a Mom. And I’m grateful beyond words that I had a Mom that showed me so many things that warrant emulating.
That God sized hole may never go away. Over the years, I anticipate that it will get a bit smaller. But go way… I’m not sure it ever will.
BUT… I am convinced that God will continue to bring to mind that ways He loves and cares and desires each of us. He’ll bring to mind the things that will make me rise up and call her #blessed. (Proverbs 31:28)
Maybe you also have a God sized hole in your heart. Maybe you are missing your Mom in ways you didn’t now could bring you such darkness. Shift your thinking to heavenly thinking. Imagine how much Jesus must have missed your mom… Thank him for making you her son or daughter. Listen for what he has to say… And then sit at his feet!