Death changes heaven. I know – it sounds odd.  But my perspective has shifted so much in just a week.  And in that process, I’m learning how to let go of my #loveidol and draw near to God.

I’m a worshiper.  I can’t help it.  I find comfort and joy when I’m worshiping Jesus.  If it is possible, I’ve got music playing.  It’s just a part of who I am.  This weekend, as I worshiped, my heart moved and I realized how death changes heaven.  My playlist happened to play two songs in a row that talked about the throne room and angels, and I was undone.   The Holy Spirit touched me, and I couldn’t gulp back the tears.  One of my favorite songs was on, and I was singing along, when I had this vivid realization – this is what my mom is doing right now.  It was at about 5:24 in this  There is only one recording when (click the link and listen, you’ll be glad you did!)  I realized that I had so much more of an emotional connection to heaven than I had ever imagined.  I’ve lost others I’m close to, but for some reason knowing that my mom, who I had so much love and respect for, is bowing before the throne of God, well, it makes me feel a bit closer.   I’m not sure that I can put it into words, but  I’ll try.  My heart knows she is bowing in worship, and I am worshiping the same God, right here.  Knowing that we are doing that concurrently to the God of the universe, well it moves my heart in mighty ways.  What’s the scriptural reference?

 All the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures. They fell down on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, saying:


Praise and glory and wisdom and thanks and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever. Amen!”               Revelation 7:11-12

It doesn’t say some of the angels, but rather ALL of the angels.  Tell me that doesn’t just make you exhale a bit.  ALL of the angels fall and worship God.  What do the angels see?  Oh that we would know.  But we do know that we are all worthy!  And we’ll all be worshipping.  Can I get an Amen to that?

Part of letting go of my #loveidol has come at the same time as the most real pain I’ve ever experienced.  As I said goodbye to my mom on this side of heaven, I’ve realized that my desire to have the perfect family was keeping me from totally surrendering to God.  As I process through what that means in many facets of my life, I’ll ask for patience and prayer.  I’ll also seek God through scripture.

For today, I’m struck with the realization that my view of Heaven has changed, and will likely never be the same again.  In the height of my grief, He pulls me closer to Him, and allows me to glimpse Him in ways I couldn’t have imagined.  #Godisgoodlikethat

I’m guessing that one day I’ll be able to sing the words Holy Holy Holy or Worthy is the Lamb, and not have tears.   For now the tears are part grief and part letting go of my #loveidol and finding God in an intimate way.

When have you felt a new closeness to God that left you undone?  I’d love to hear about it!