My friend Niki is wise.  (smile!)  We used to do bible study regularly, and her matra for nearly a year was breathe, swallow, apply grace.  This has been a while back, but these words come to me often in times when I am really struggling.  Today, these words are what is getting me by. 

Let me start by telling you that over the last year I have been able to watch my husband grow in his faith in ways I couldn’t even dream of.  I can remember a couple of years ago when we were in so totally different places spiritually that it was really hard for me.  (Don’t get me wrong both were good places, just different 🙂  It has been so cool to watch.  Please don’t take this as pride.  We both have a LONG way to go.  But…  to be moving even at a snails pace forward seems good. 

Tom has been tormented by some things that have continually been a punch in his gut.  It has been a form of persecution that is silent, but so, so hard on him.  (And very hard to watch!) 

And then… he was ignited by God to do something.  If you know my hubby, he is a very steady Edy.  He thinks things through, he doesn’t over react, he prays faithfully, and he isn’t easily influenced.  In this case, he did those things, but from the get go, he knew it was from God.  To see him with passion and excitement has been so cool.  AND… to think that God did this to him in the midst of an incredible trial in his life.  VERY COOL… 

However, I have to hand it to satan, he sure can make things complicated sometimes.  The past few weeks have been filled with moments of joy and excitement, followed by what feels like repeated punches in the gut.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve uttered the words “Get behind me Satan.” 

This process has left me in a state of tears.  Some for joy, some from love, and many from just all out frustration.  The punches in the gut will pass, and it will all be worth it.  This I know.  However, in the midst of the process, it sucks.  It’s much easier to feel hurt and sad and confused when it doesn’t involve people we are close to.   To act like Jesus and love and take thoughts captive is hard.  To discern which thoughts are from Satan and which justified (most are from Satan) is even harder.  I like to be in control (Gasp – I know, you can hardly believe it!)  In this case, I have consciously decided this is Tom adn God’s thing.  (breathe, breathe, it’s ok!)  However, as I watch miscommunications and some very frustrating conversations happen, it is taking everything in me to let God be in control.  I want to fix what are little things now… 

I’m going to be bold and ask for prayers for me.  Prayers for patience to endure the punches in the gut.  Prayers that I not remain “stuck” in the middle, and Prayers that I can continue to have confidence in myself (Bet you never thought you’d hear me say that!). 

I’m honestly at a place where I’m sick to my stomach.  And yet… I’m not certain that anything short of prayer will do a darn bit of good!  SO…. I’m praying, and asking that you pray as well.  I know this is a bit vague.  However, I have no idea if anyone reads this or not, or who those folks are.  I feel like Tom needs to be able to “announce” what God has called him to.  I just need to love and support him.  (That’s the easy part by the way, cuz it is really cool!)      

God never said it would be easy.  In fact, he promised persicution.  So, why am I surprised?